When Someone We Know Is In Crisis
Earlier today I read some intriguing information in The American Journal of Public Health. My findings are very closely related to some other things I’ve learned throughout the years in my work, and I’ll tell you about them, too.
These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace.In the world you will have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.
– John 16:33
Consider The Following
Statistics on trafficking are notoriously difficult to obtain, although the International Labor Organization has estimated that approximately 12.3 million people are in situations of forced or bonded labor, half of whom are believed to be women and girls….Some trafficked girls and women do not suffer extraordinary levels of abuse; nevertheless, assault, coercion, threats of harm to themselves and their families, and severely restricted freedom are common. Indeed, many of the menacing tactics used to control trafficked girls and women are readily comparable with the characteristics of abuse described in the literature on torture.
(If you’re interested, the rest of the article is here.)
Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD
A reality that I can no longer ignore is how widespread depression and anxiety have become. The reality is that you will likely encounter people who have been abused (psychologically, emotionally, domestically, or sexually). The majority of people we come in contact with on a daily basis will likely not have been victimized through sex trafficking, however, they may still struggle with depression and/or anxiety.
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
– Isaiah 41:10
I’ve struggled with and am overcoming anxiety, depression and PTSD, so I can speak from personal experience that it was incredibly hard, sometimes impossible get out of the bed in the morning and function when I was feeling so much emotional/mental anguish. If you have ever experienced this, you are not alone. I have felt it, too, and there is no reason to be ashamed for feeling these things. They are normal, and it is very important to not deny them, but to face them, and find healing resolutions.
Besides having worked with various terminal diseases, I’ve worked with and helped people (outside of paid work) who suffered from physical and mental disorders; among which have been severe anxiety, depression, paranoia, anger and even violent outbursts. I’m certainly not an expert in these matters, and I’m still learning more about how to manage well with troubling cases that arise through situations in the work that I do, and those in my personal life – with friends and family. You may have heard of some of these before, but not all of them are as well-known as I’d thought. I believe that they are critical to know. They could even help save a life.
When Someone Is In Crisis
The crisis I’ll be referring to here is rather intense: when someone’s at the end of their rope, depression is steep and they’ve nearly lost the will to continue living. Not all of us know or have known someone who has been in this level of crisis, but this certainly doesn’t mean that you never will.
This is shared strictly as a resource for those who desire to learn more about potentially new ways to help a friend/neighbor/family member who is in this depth of crisis. Many of these points also apply to situations that are not as critical, but call for reflection on how to proceed. Believe it or not, the troubling times we find ourselves and each other in can easily spiral downwards into devastating ones when faced alone. I cannot stress enough how vitally important it is to love these people well. You may be the last person who they ever speak with about their pain, and of course there’s always a chance that you will be the last to ever speak with them. Please, let these moments count.
Below are helpful tips:
∙ Stay calm. Talk slowly, though not condescendingly, and use reassuring tones.
∙ Realize you may have trouble communicating with your loved one. Ask simple questions. Repeat them if necessary, using the same words each time.
∙ Don’t take your loved one’s actions or hurtful words personally.
∙ Say, “I’m here. I care. I want to help. How can I help you?”
∙ Don’t say, “Snap out of it,” “Get over it,” or “Stop acting crazy.”
∙ Don’t handle the crisis alone. Call family, friends, neighbors, people from your place of worship, or people from a local support group to help you.
∙ Don’t threaten to call 911 unless you intend to. When you call 911, police and/or an ambulance are likely to come to your house. This may make your loved one more upset, so use 911 only when you or someone else is in immediate danger.
∙ Take caution but don’t run away from those you know who are in crisis. If you cannot handle their pain yourself, help them find someone who can. There are few things that are harder than to trust a friend by make oneself vulnerable, and to hear promises and prayers only to have to face the loss of that friendship. Those in crisis need more from us. If you cannot provide the help to them, commit to helping them find someone who has the knowledge and availability. After a day or two, follow up with them to see how things are going – but only if you are genuinely concerned. Fake friendship and/or sympathy isn’t helpful. If you really want to help, commit to checking in on them on a routine basis – and set reminders for yourself if you need. Commit to praying for them, daily – and even if you don’t have much to give, honesty is often very helpful. Something like:
“I don’t have all the answers, but I genuinely care about you and we’re in this together, okay?” Or “ I want to help, but can you help me to understand how best to help you?” Or “How can I help you?”
Sometimes Shocking Responses
Their responses will not always be what you’d expect, and specifically what they tell you may be hard to take in. It’s very important that before you ask, you have prepared yourself for the fact that their response may make you a bit uncomfortable, and doing it on your own may not be the best idea. Individually (you and them, probably. It is wise, though to let them know that you are not trained (if you’re not) and finding more of a support system could be very helpful to them. In continued interaction with them, before they’ve begun to recover – they will likely be speaking through their pain, so try not to take their words personally. Most likely not personal, they are not necessarily feeling hurt about something that you have said or done – but perhaps they don’t know how to put the pieces back together. If they are depressed, it’s likely that they have been hurt in a dysfunctional way, and learned to accept it as a new normal. Now of course, they need to change those old habits, but doing so can take a lot of time and be very hard to do.
After A Crisis
It’s important to acknowledge that it is completely normal to continue seeing your friend through the lenses of their previous pain, but also through the way that you may have begun to think about them and their perspectives. A familiar term that many have used in this kind of situation is to not forget to give them room to grow and change. (It’s much easier to ‘put them in a box’ and expect them to only operate in ways we expect them to, within the box). Because of the natural tendency we all have to compartmentalize friendships in this way, it will always take a determined effort to change our own ways of thinking as we see them growing and moving beyond the depths where they once were. Something I have found that many people don’t seem to fully understand is that in addition to the difficulty of opening up and trusting a friend with something that has hurt them, sooner or later, they may also often regret having opened up about their pain. This doesn’t always happen, and is sometimes based upon how opening up has affected the relationship, how it’s made their friend feel, they now feel like that their friend has backed away from them, or sometimes they are still expecting the unkindness that became of what had become normal back then; building trust with anyone and everyone will take more time than might have otherwise been expected. Maintaining patience and sensitivity is key, here. They are still healing, and have taken a leap of faith to trust. Despite the fact that it is so hard to trust, they desperately needed help at the time, they let you/that friend into a smaller circle of trusted people; if they later find you/them to be untrustworthy or show significantly less concern for them as a friend, then it will be much harder for them in the future to make this request for help.
Things That Help And Things That Don’t
Being included definitely helps. Whether it’s being invited to see a movie or meet you for a quick cup of coffee, sometimes being included can mean the world to someone who’s been through any trial/crisis.
Depending on someone’s personality, though, they might not relish having more than a few conversations about their painful journey. Take note of this, and although you can always ask follow up questions about how that part of their life is going, just don’t press it if they don’t seem to want to talk about it.
Love Languages
You may have heard of the five love languages. (Link below to the book). People typically have two primary love languages wherein they will be more receptive to receiving friendship and help from others. An example would be Jamie’s love languages are: quality time and acts of service (enjoying spending time with people and doing things for them) but her struggling friend, Erin’s love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch. (She most enjoys deep conversations and hugs). If Jamie is devoting time to loving Erin through her own (Jamie’s) languages, they’re still good things, but likely won’t help Erin to feel nearly as loved/helped than if Jamie spent her time loving Erin through Erin’s languages. Sometimes these are conflicts in loving through these languages: perhaps Jamie doesn’t like giving hugs or touching at all, perhaps she can devote time to offering encouragement through words of affirmation and let Erin pick an activity to enjoy together.
(Here’s a link that describes the five love languages) https://www.5lovelanguages.com/2018/06/the-five-love-languages-defined/
(Here’s a link with more tips on how to handle crisis situations, from National Alliance on Mental Illness) https://www.nami.org/find-support/living-with-a-mental-health-condition/what-to-do-in-a-crisis
(Also from National Alliance on Mental Illness: knowing the warning signs) https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Know-the-Warning-Signs
Source
Hossain, Mazeda, et al. “The Relationship of Trauma To Mental Disorders Among Trafficked And Sexually Exploited Girls And Women.” America J Public Health, December 2010.