Disillusionment
When The One We Love Is The Problem
I was at work when I recently witnessed a heated exchange between a married couple. The man was yelling at the woman and all she could do was try to calm him down and remain calm, herself. It was not at all her fault, but she still ‘caught shrapnel’ because of his rage, which manifested in the form of an angry outburst and verbal abuse. One might think that she should’ve simply told him that she doesn’t want to be spoken to that way, but depending on her personal situation, she may not have even felt that this was an option. In a relationship, we’d like to think that if we behave, then so will others around us, and if we are ever in any danger, those we love most will rush to our rescue. I wish that this was always the case, but if the one you love is also the one causing all of the problems and is at the root of your emotional distress, then a backup plan may be necessary. Sometimes you may find that you are your only advocate, and if you are up against someone who is continually attacking you, it may not get better, and if it’s bad enough, I hope that you can get to a safe place. If you don’t have a support system in place already, please reach out for help.
Making Excuses For Others
I know what it’s like to be manipulated, emotionally abused and mentally disoriented from a toxic relationship. I know what it’s like to have been deceived because scriptures were twisted and taken out of context in order to deceive and manipulate me. I remember feeling trapped, and that there was no way out. I also know how easy it is to excuse or rationalize abusive behaviors because of low self-esteem or simply in order to not have to face the hard truth of reality. It is even hard to pinpoint the abusive tendencies when an enmeshment has occurred. (Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well). Sometimes abuse can become so normalized that it no longer even feels like abuse. I’ve been there, and have made excuses for them, too. I remember feeling so unworthy of love and without any true value, that I didn’t even feel worthy of being saved. And as many have before me, I thought that the world would be better off without me in it. You may have felt the same. It is easy to lead with our emotions.
Created In The Image Of God
If this is where you are, or have been, I am so sorry for your pain. You deserve better than the toxic patterns in life you’ve been living. You are worthy of being saved, but you may need to ask for help. You were created in the image of God, and that makes you valuable, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
It has been helpful to read up on different types of abuses. It takes some of the guesswork out of it, and helps to be more objective about an unhealthy relationship. (The following link offers state resources on violence against women:
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/state-resources
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”
– Jeremiah 29:11-14a